I wasn't going to write again but find myself needing to. I wish I could continue by saying I'm fantastic but in reality everything isn't. I'm sure those of you who know me won't be suprised.

Where to begin, since I last my last entry so much has happend.

Firstly I've messed things up with the one person that made everything OK, H. H is no angel by any means but in terms of our motley gaggle of friends and aquintances she's probably the only one with her head truely screwed on right. Things were going great, we adored each other, I was constantly either at her parents farm or she was at my place. No matter how bad I was feeling the feint rumble of some Indie album and subsequent crunching of stones as her battered up old hatchback trundled down our drive always brought a smile to my face. Add to that the fact H is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen and probably also the nicest (she's one of those who always knows just what to say or do) and you can see how much of a good thing I had. Anyway I digress. Our group of friends has always sailed a bit close to the mark but get away with it, probably due the fact that we're all well dressed/spoken and what some would consider 'well off'. Drink and drugs are commonplace. H has never been a huge fan of drugs but always turned a blind eye when our friends were involved, although if it were me (unless it was a cheeky spliff whilst we all walked home from our local wine bar) she would not stand for it. This never bothered me that much, she also knew I can be quite delicate and knew I had a history of depression (and 2 intentional overdoses) so I understood completely. Anyway things were going great (not just with H but in general), I thought all my demons had finally been put behind me and I was happy, I had my wonderful girlfriend, loyal (although sometimes testing) friends and I had somehow managed to ace my first year univerity exams.

Summer came around, everyone had come home from their various universities and everynight we were out partying or getting stoned and having BBQs at whoevers house their parents had seen fit to vacate for the weekend. Around the same time my depression returned (I call it that but I've never wanted to talk to anyone about it so I may be wrong). H knew within days something was wrong. She encouraged me to talk about it with her but I told her I was fine. I started to find it hard to cope with things again and knew in myself something was wrong. To get rid of this I naively accepted all the party invites and nights out (and all the things that go hand in hand with them) that my friends could throw at me. H wasn't happy but she seemed to buy it when I told her I just wanted to spend some time with friends I hadn't seen all year.

One night I was at a fancy dress party, you had to dress up as something beginning with P. Everyone was a pirate so I went out and hired a panda costume with the biggest head you've ever seen (hilarity ensued). Anyway I knew H was arriving a bit later on so vowed to take it easy. However Marco and Will were soon in the kitchen having a line and I'm ashamed to say I partook, then the booze was gulped down like water and one of the girls came around with balloons full of laughing gas. The food was amazing and the DJ who had taken up residency in Alexandra's kitchen was fantastic.

'Are you coming to the garden for a spliff?' My best friend enquired.
'I would but H is coming and I said I'd do nothing but drink tonight'
'But you've already broken that promise so you may aswell'

In the state I was in his logic actually makes sense. I agreed but just a small one.

Unfortunately H arrived to find a crowd consisting of everyone we know standing around a giant novelty panda who had passed out and was positioned like a starfish in the middle of the lawn.

'CHRIS! What the hell are you doing!?' She screamed infront of everyone whilst slapping my giant fur panda head,
'I'm a panda' Everyone falls about laughing and H storms off. She didn't speak to me for 3 days although scolded all my friends on what seemed like an hourly basis.

When she finally opened the door to me and agreed to talk, I apologised. I said I'd been stupid and that she was the most important thing in the world to me (she is). I explained to her that I'd been having a really bad couple of weeks and going a bit wild helped me cope but it was over now (I was lying).

'I understand, I just don't want you to end up like you did before, you can tell me anything I love you so much', upon hearing this I swore everything was fine and nothing like that would ever happen again (I was still lying).

3 hours later I'm at home enjoying a cup of tea and a marlboro in the garden, the phones rings,

'Chris it's Richard, I know you're on a tight reign at the moment but you HAVE to come to Bath with me tonight, Tom's just moved into a house up there and hes having a party, also my parents are away and I'm going to take my dad's Merc' (that sealed the deal). I agreed upon the condition that H could come with us. Richard agreed.

We arrive and join the party, I swore to H on the short journey up the M4 that nothing but Bulmers Cider would pass my lips, I kept my promise. A few hours later we were all sat in Tom's garden, by this time it was about 2am and things were winding down. There were only about 6 of us left, now drinking Gin and wrapped up in big Jumpers. This is about the time the weed usually comes out and somebody duely produced some from their cigarette packet. We laughed away and I held H as Tom passed a joint over to me, I look down at H and quickly pass it to my left without taking any, H is pleased and I go in the house to get more drinks, but mainly to avoid having to watch other people enjoy themselves. I go to the Kitchen to look for a tray, Tom appears behind me.

'I've got some pills, H won't know, they are legal aswell'. They actually were legal, and because of this I assumed harmless. Quickly popped them with Tom, grabbed some nuts to take outside with the drinks and returned. Everything was fine and we'd all had a really nice night, then during a conversation about why the Patio heater didn't appear to be working I collapsed. H freaked out, like completely freaked out, although one of Tom's friends happens to be a medical student. She calmed things down and sorted me out (mainly with a sugary cup of tea) but by this time Tom had admitted to H he'd given me something. Despite the fact they were legal H was furious. She stormed out of the conservatory and made a B line for me, tears and eyeliner running.

I motion to hug her as she approaches. 'H I'm fine now, I think it was because I hadn't eaten much'. She didn't speak. She hit me. I don't mean a slap, this beautiful,laid back, intelligent and petite blonde girl punched me square in the mouth and split my lip open. Stunned silence ensued then finally.

'You're fucking killing yourself and I'm not going to stand around to watch you do it, I hate you, how could you?' Then she was gone and I havn't seen her since. Everything ruined.

So I've lost H through my stupidity. Ironically I havn't touched anything since. Most of my mates have gone back to Uni, H won't even speak to me and I just feel awful about everything.

Thats the first thing.

Also for reasons I don't even completely understand (this started before the above situation) I stopped eating to the point where I'll go days without anything, aswell as exercising alot (I cycle about 20 miles a day). I'm 6'0 tall and at the start of the summer weighed about 12 and a half stone, at the moment I'm hovering about a pound above 10. Everyone has noticed, although if asked I just put it down to my new found road cycling hobby. It's left me with virtually no energy though and I often get very dizzy and weak especially if I've been sat down for an hour or so.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my mate Alex. I talked about him a while ago. He was an extremely talented cricketer (county standard at least) and a very nice guy, but developed a drug problem whilst we were in sixth form. He spiralled out of control and tried to take his own life but was forced to get help and was turning his life around again. He played cricket with us (our team is terrible and he really should have become professional) over the summer and we all thought he was getting better. Well he intentionally drove his car off the road and flipped it into a field. He survived it with cuts and a broken leg, none of us have heard anything about him and his family won't talk to us, hopefully he is getting help.

Even before all this happend I wasn't feeling great and right now I'm probably as low as I've ever been. I really really don't know what to do. I've never been a talker and never actually talked to anyone about the way I feel (other than a little with H in the past) and I really believe it's just who I am anyway. I don't want to go a Dr or anything like that or talk to my family or friends and it's all just so ridiculous and selfish. Theres so many people out there with real problems yet I somehow despite having everything I want and all the oppurtunities in the world manage to fuck everything up every single time, I really don't know why. I don't seem to be able to cope with anything (even simple things like going shopping amongst crowds) and I spend the majority of my time at the moment hiding out at the country club. I'm going to be honest and say I've come close to ODing again and even went as far as to go out and buy 60 sleeping tablets. The next day though I got rid of them all, but if I'm honest I'm really scared and genuinly don't know what to do. I know what you're all thinking, something like 'Chris you spoilt brat, go and get yourself some help' but I just can't, thats not me.

There have been good things though. As I said I finished top of my Uni class in my first year, had a lovely holiday in the South of France with my now ex H, discovered a love for cycling and high scored 93 in our Sunday Cricket league.

I have a horrible feeling though that it's going to be a long cold winter.

Hope you're all top notch,

Chris.